One Word

Do you have a word? You know, a word that you think about all of the time that you just can't shake.  I have a word. It's dangerous and messy and makes me question myself over and over again.  The word is patience.  It is eight tiny letters that bring me to my knees daily as I ask my sweet Savior to "Help Me'. I come desperate each day and each day He forgives me and teaches me about grace. 

Patience is hard for me.  It has never come easy for me and I struggle.  I've always had the need to be one step ahead of the game.  I hate waiting.  I need to make lists, be ready, plan, prepare, get'r done.  I expect a lot from myself and when others aren't sitting next to me on the same 'crazy train', I start to feel hot and not in a cute sexy way either. 

Many people have high hopes for an easy year.  I, however, am hoping for just the opposite.  I want need this year to be really hard, but only for me.  I need to learn.  To grow.  To fall, but into the arms of Jesus. Some of the most difficult moments in my life have been those where I was brought to the foot of the cross. Naked, Defeated. Moments that stretched and changed me.

The times where I was an awful wife, and allowed bitterness to grow inside my heart towards my husband...
The days that I grumbled in discontentment towards my children because they weren't being who I thought they needed to be...

When I failed, fell, and couldn't get up... He picked me up. When I was tired of trying to remind myself to ask. And in all my impatience I am asking, daily for God to please be my source of patience.  Please help me to release the chains and just shut up. To realize that it's okay if everything isn't right this second. If the dishes don't get cleared in 2.5 seconds (kidding of course...am I), if my kids don't respond at that exact moment, that it's okay.  At the end of my journey, none of that chatter will matter.  But what will is that the people who meant the most to me will have known it.  Felt it.  That they felt love, gentleness, patience.  And that they felt it in my presence. Just like Jesus.  He has more patience for us that we will ever begin to deserve.  Time and time again He waits on us, hoping, praying yet still loving.