The Wound Is Still Painfully Fresh.

Last weekend I found myself at a friends baby shower singing Happy Birthday to her dear Grandma.  As I sat there I could feel my throat swelling bigger and bigger. You know that feeling, the one you get right before you are thrown into an ugly cry.  I looked out the window in hopes that the brick that was lodged in my neck would quickly dissolve.  All that I could think about was that I would no longer have the privilege and honor of singing that song to my Grandma ever again.  I still hear hymns being sung and start to cry.  So if ever you are aware that 'The Roll is Called Up Yonder' or 'The Sweet By and By' will be being sung anywhere that I am headed, please urge me to be late.  Certain smells can take me back, or just witnessing granddaughters still helping their Grandma's along, I have to look away. For me this is something that I just can't kick and honestly I hope I never do.  I hope that her memory stays this real for all of the tomorrows to come.  

On October 13, 2013 she fell asleep in Jesus until He comes to take her home.  I remember that weekend like it was last night.  The week prior I got a call from my parents that she had fallen and broken her hip. She was in a lot of pain, but surgery would be the next step.  Surgery in fact did follow as well as a stroke that found me on the first flight out headed 'home'.  When I arrived at the nursing home I was in no way prepared for what I had to witness. The beautiful woman who had been the matriarch of our family for my whole life was now in a fetal position fighting for her life.  Usually in situations such as this I tend to turn to humor to survive, although in that moment nothing around me was worth laughing for.  My world was crashing and I now had a front row seat for the show.  Hours before her death I was asked by Hospice to go alone and say goodbye.  How do you do that?  How do you say goodbye to a best friend?  I entered her room alone and unleashed my ugly cry at the foot of the cross.  Of all the days to decide to wear mascara, I chose that one.  I don't know if my Grandma knew I was there, but I like to think that she did.  We were all given a list of 5 things that we were to tell her.  As I wailed at her bedside I told her that I would do whatever it took to get my family and myself to Heaven.  This was a woman who had God on her speed-dial.  There were very few moments that she wasn't talking to Him or about Him.  Her love for Him was contagious and the light of Jesus oozed out of her veins.  If I ever called her asking for advice, the first thing she would say was "Honey, did you talk to Jesus"?  It was her first reaction for everything.  

I remember laying in bed at my parents and hearing the phone ring at 2:23 am, but this time the ring reminded me of the tornado sirens I grew up listening to.  I knew who was calling, but still hoped it was a wrong number or even a dream.  I remember my Dad telling the person on the other end "Ok, thank you", then getting off and saying "Well, that's it". Those words were so final.  That's it.  But I still had questions to ask her, pictures to show her.  Christian still wanting to brag about his reading and Chloe had drawings to give her.  How could this be it?  Suddenly I found myself standing in front of the promise that I had made to her.  If for some reason I didn't make it to Heaven, it wasn't going to be because I didn't do all I could to get there.  I think when she passed it scared me that I wouldn't remember all she had taught me.  Would I remember to first talk to Jesus?  


In my faith we don't believe that you go to Heaven when you pass.  As Seventh-day Adventists we believe what the bible says in John 5:28-29 - Do not marvel at this, for an hour is coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil to the resurrection of judgment. Though I don't believe that my Grandma is in Heaven watching me, I do believe that she would be proud of the new road that I have taken on my spiritual walk.  I have always been a Christian and a follower of Christ, but in this busy season of my life, I have found myself in the past forgetting to talk to Jesus first.  Lately I can feel my heart changing and for that I am thankful.  I find myself not wanting to be part of conversations, things that used to be high priority are now only a memory.   I want to talk to Him more than ever before.  I want to make sure my kids truly know him, not just know of Him.  

My Grandma left a voice mail on my cell phone two years ago on my birthday that I have kept to this day. In her message she asked whether or not I would ever be less busy and able to sit and rock like she was then able to do.  My daily prayer is that one day she and I will rock side by side in the Kingdom of Heaven.  The only prayer that I pray more than that one is that 'that day' will be tomorrow.